Lessons For Grief From John Chrysostom

Some knowledge from Letter to a Young Widow

A lot of what we have is up to the work of translators and what they deem fit to translate from the works of the church fathers. Within most of the history of the church, most of those translators have been monastic and male. Neither of these things makes what we have handed down to us of any less value, only to simply state that we are getting commentary on Christian life overwhelmingly from a specific source and way of thinking, including what we have available in English.

There are things within St. John’s letter to a young widow that I find helpful, while other things seem to show a lack of understanding of what exactly a marriage is from a day-to-day perspective. He states in his letter that she may mourn the material and social security she enjoyed from her husband, perhaps mourning that she hoped to see him further his career. These things seem more of what a monk thinks a widow would miss rather than what would be concluded from a person who has lost a widow. However, he speaks of having a firsthand account of being raised by a widow, as his father died when his mother was 20, the same age as the widow mentioned in his letter, we know (and I am sure that he knows) this is not the same as experiencing the loss of a spouse. I say this to preclude that what I write is not the end all, be all of what works in grief. Rather it is simply what I have been able to glean from this letter over the past year.

On this account I abstained from troubling you when your sorrow was at its height, and the thunderbolt had only just fallen upon you; but having waited an interval and permitted you to take your fill of mourning, now that you are able to look out a little through the mist, and to open your ears to those who attempt to comfort you, I also would second the words of your handmaids by some contributions of my own. For while the tempest is still severe, and a full gale of sorrow is blowing, he who exhorts another to desist from grief would only provoke him to increased lamentations and having incurred his hatred would add fuel to the flame by such speeches besides being regarded himself as an unkind and foolish person

A very important thing that my priest and therapist both told me during Kristin’s struggle against cancer as well as the past year is that I should not judge myself too harshly. That leads to others as well. There are ways that we mourn, and there are ways that we expect others to mourn for our loss. If that doesn’t occur, it can become a very slippery slope to let unprocessed grief slip into bitterness against another. We don’t have any control over the grief of others. Though they might like space or might like to call often or might not. They might travel, go on vacation, and immediately go back to the same routine. They might shut down for weeks, or months. Perhaps they may take years to become something past the pain. This is not up to us. We especially shouldn’t be upset when people do not meet the needs we do not express. If we want to talk, to have company, to be alone, to cry with someone, we have to learn to communicate that clearly and directly. Like “I need [insert blank]” directly. “Mind-reading” relationships are bitter relationships.

I wish first of all to discourse on this point, and to prove to you that this name of widow is not a title of calamity but of honour, aye the greatest honour.

Widowhood often provokes looks of pity and sadness from others. Instead of others mourning with you, they feel sorry for you in a “glad it’s not me” sort of way. Here, St. John vehemently attacks this notion, saying that widows have special privileges and promises afforded them that do not exist for others. In a way, the loss is like a VIP access card to God. Fr. Josiah Trenham, in his commentary on this letter, says that a great portion of you has ascended into paradise. You now dwell on earth and in heaven. For the two became one, united in Christ. St. John says to this woman who has lost her husband, “but now in his place you have God who is the Lord of all.” And and as my priest says, hold God to His Word. Tell Him to do what He said.

this death is not death, but only a kind of emigration and translation from the worse to the better, from earth to heaven, from men to angels, and archangels…But perhaps you long to hear your husband's words, and enjoy the affection which you bestowed upon him, and you yearn for his society, and the glory which you had on his account, and the splendour, and honour, and security, and all these things being gone distress and darken your life. Well! The affection which you be stowed on him you can keep now just as you formerly did.

For such is the power of love, it embraces, and unites, and fastens together not only those who are present, and near, and visible but also those who are far distant; and neither length of time, nor separation in space, nor anything else of that kind can break up and sunder in pieces the affection of the soul.

For the Christian, the love that is kept is kept by abiding in Christ. This is me talking by experience. The love that I had for Kristin, grew, matured, and became something I didn’t know that it could become over the past year, it grew alongside the grief in a way that let me know that it would one day overcome it. That day has not yet come. But the promise is still there. In the book Memory Eternal, the workbook portion in the book encourages us not only to increase our good works but also how often we pray and read edifying material. In essence, whether it be modern or old Christian teaching, the understanding of the wisest and most helpful response to grief is to challenge ourselves to become even more like Christ, not just by thinking, but by the day-to-day aspects our our lives.

For it would be impossible to find any private family which has been immersed in such great calamities as the ills in which the imperial house has been steeped. For untimely loss of parents, and of husbands, and violent forms of death, more outrageous and painful than those which occur in tragedies, especially beset this kind of government.

Be sober-minded about grief and loss. Though sometimes it may seem that this is simply your lot in life, and everyone else gets to move on and be normal, this is not the case. The reality of our existence on this planet is that everyone experiences suffering and loss. This is not the kind of guilt trip into gratitude as when some of our parents would tell us that there are starving kids on the other side of the planet to make us eat our vegetables. Rather, this is to look at the reality of the way things are. Because if we continue to look at things with a skewed view, we can never reach up to that which is truly real. When we try to, we will always let our thoughts get in the way.

Now, once for all, if you wish your property to abide with you in security and yet further to increase I will show you the plan, and the place where none of those who have designs upon it will be allowed to enter. What then is the place? It is Heaven. Send away your possessions to that good husband of yours and neither thief, nor schemer, nor any other destructive thing will be able to pounce upon them.

And if you do this, see what blessings you will enjoy, in the first place eternal life and the things promised to those who love God,

which eye has not seen, nor ear heard, neither have they entered into the heart of man,

and in the second place perpetual intercourse with your good husband; and you will relieve yourself from the cares and fears, and dangers, and designs, and enmity and hatred which beset you here…if you transfer it to Heaven, you will lead a life of security and safety, and much tranquillity, enjoying independence combined with godliness.

From what I've read from a lot of people who have lost someone, especially a spouse, fiance, or partner, material possessions and certain standards of living hold far less weight and value in their lives. It will be a shame to still cling to the dignity of a false manner of presentation. That would be based on nothing more than the way we wish to present ourselves to the world. St John Chrysostom states that it is far better to simplify materially as much as possible. He says that this is the way to security, safety, and much tranquility. Long before the minimalist movement, over 1000 years ago St. John wrote about the benefits of independence with not growing comfortable with much luxury. He says that this actually complicates your grief and prevents you from moving forward as fast as you can.

this, I expect will speedily be the case with your own soul, and having once for all torn yourself away from all worldly interests you will display among us a heavenly manner of life, and in a little while will laugh to scorn the glory which you now lament, and despise its hollow and vain mask.

When St John talks about the glory that you now lament, he's talking about the pleasures of life in regard to marriage in this world. St John is a pastor who sees many couples that do not understand the purpose of this life, and they cling to their relationship in an unhealthy way, not understanding that death is always a possibility at any point. In premarital counseling, it is often noted that the couple should discuss what happens if one of them gets severely sick, if one of them can no longer work, if they can't have children, if one of them dies, if the parents die, what if the parents get sick, what happens if a sibling has some debilitating physical ailment or mental break? These are the kinds of things that St John is talking about when he says that she should reflect upon the state of her husband in paradise and upon her own state now in which all of these things have been alleviated from her life. For my own life, even if Kristin continued to live, I must not act as if that would be the end of her suffering or mine or anyone else who was close to her. I must not also act as if that would be the greatest she would ever suffer in this life. I don’t know that. As we have all learned, since she has died we have all had all kinds of sicknesses and illnesses. It is simply the reality. What St John councils here is that if you despise the vanity of wanting to have a life of ease and comfort while living this temporal life, you will be much happier whether you are married or not. When we learn to seek peace only in Christ, comfort only in Christ, and love only in Christ then we love others the way that we should; we can enjoy creation and the simple comforts that we have properly; our greatest wish for them is the Kingdom of Heaven. For most of us, this is an extraordinarily hard lesson and thing to accept in our hearts and not just in our heads because the only time that we think about it is when we're confronted about it at death. But here St John says start now and you will see how much you laugh to scorn the vain and hollow mask of temporary comfort.